Why I hate Transformers: the Movie

Whenever I talk to people about the films coming out this summer I'm often met with the same response; aren't you looking forward to Transformers 2?

The answer: completely and unequivocally no. The first movie was one the most soul-destroying wastes of time and money I have ever experienced. Let me list a few issues I had with Michael 'all I can do is blow stuff up' Bay's molestation of my childhood.

Firstly, the plot. Or lack of. If I remember rightly it was something to do with a cube that was for some reason important. I don't know why and I don't think any of the characters did either. The event that sums up the film's attempt to coherently string together lots of fights with big robots was when the special ops soldier decides that the best place to take the 'cube of ambiguous importance' is to the middle of a city. With lots of people. Smart thinking.

Next, the transformer's stupid voices. How do you make a huge robot that can turn into a hotrod articulated truck undeniably uncool? Give him, and his cohorts, the worst voices possible, making these colossal automatons sound like idiots.

Possibly the most annoying aspect of the film was the infuriating little deceptacon made of bread knives. The robot equivalent of Jar-Jar Binks, this must have been Bay's idea of comedy genius. Surprising that a robot made of blades did hardly any collateral damage throughout the whole film. May it was designed to annoy people to death.

This leads me nicely to my next point. In a film with giant metal creatures equipped with immensely powerful weaponry, a very small amount of people actually got hurt. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't expecting Hostel with robots. But maybe just a little bit of gore, for realism's sake.

And lastly, any film that ends with the limp whining tones of Linkin Park deserves to be locked in a safe and thrown into the ocean tied to a few anvils.

There's so much more I could say, and I expect I could find so much more to hate if I watched the film again. But I'd probably gouge my eyes out with a plastic spork afterwards. So in short, no, I'm not looking forward to Transformers 2.