Software Malfunction - Short Story

Desk waited, but not patiently. The screen displayed the 'connecting' image, a picture of a tranquil mountainside with a mirror-like lake reflecting snowy peaks and emerald pines. It did nothing to calm him.

“Come on, come on,” he growled.

The image stubbornly remained present, the spinning arrow icon informing him to wait his turn. Eventually the connection was established, the image transforming into the view of a customer service cubicle, staffed by the obligatory pretty blonde, dressed in casual clothes, her t-shirt emblazoned with the Coresoft logo. The girl smiled sweetly at Desk, ignoring his obvious frustration.

“Hi, welcome to Coresoft customer service, my name's Sandy. Can I take your customer reference number?” she reeled off in an enthusiastic tone.

“3526060,” Desk said through gritted teeth. He knew the number off by heart; he'd had to relay it to four different people already.

“Thank you very much,” sang the blonde girl, her Handroid limb replacements plugging into her computer console, the soft outer shell breaking open, miniscule tendrils leaping out of her fingers, connecting with computer. “What seems to be the problem Mister Tenth?”

At last, Desk thought.

“My Handroids have broken and I need an emergency repair.”

“Could you detail the nature of the accident to me?”

“It wasn't an accident, it was a product malfunction,” Desk snapped.

“Mister Tenth, I must remind you that I can block you from contacting Coresoft customer service if you are in any way insulting or aggressive,” retorted the girl patronisingly.

“OK, OK. I'm sorry,” said Desk with frustration.

“That's fine Mister Tenth,” replied the girl with saccharine sweetness. “So, what happened to your Handroids?”

“I was working online and a cancer cell infiltrated my computer. I tried to stop it but the cell had already infected most of my system.”

“I'm afraid Coresoft can't refund or repair any damage caused by a third-party – ”

“No, that's not the problem,” interrupted Desk. “When I realised the system was overrun I tried to disconnect before the cancer cell made its way into my Handroids, but they wouldn't disconnect. I literally had to rip myself away.” He raises his arms into view, showing the girl the buzzing stumps where his cyborg-hands had once been. The girl's face turned an ugly pale shade.

“Mister Tenth, are you sure you're alright?'

“Yeah, I turned the pain receptors off before I did it,” Desk said impatiently. “How quickly can you send someone with a new pair?”

The girl regained her composure. She studied her computer screen. Desk waited, tapping one of his stumps on the surface of his workstation.

“I'm sorry but because the problem was caused by a software malfunction, your warranty doesn't cover a free replacement.”

“Excuse me?”

“The disconnection program that syncs the Handroids is out-sourced from Delitech. The warranty you took out only covers issues pertaining to Coresoft products. I can reconnect you to Delitech customer service if you want, but to be honest, I don't think they will – ”

“You have got to be joking,” Desk said incredulously.

“No Mister Tenth,” the girl replied seriously. “My contract strictly states that I am not allowed to joke.”

“I was never made aware that I wouldn't be covered in this type of situation,” shouted Desk.

“Did you sign the terms and conditions?” asked the girl.

“Well yes, but – ”

“Did you read them?”

“I probably skimmed over them, but – ”

“I'm sorry Mister Tenth but section three point two, paragraph six of the silver class warranty terms and conditions clearly states – ”

“Alright, alright,” spat Desk.

“Mister Tenth, I don't want to block you but if you continue to behave in this manner, I'll have no choice.”

“OK. I apologise,” replied Desk in defeat.

“Thank you. Would you like me to put you through to your local store so you can purchase a replacement?”

Desk shrugged.

“Doesn't look like I have much of a choice,” he said, looking gloomily down at his broken stumps. “Can't do much without any hands, can I?”

“I'll just reconnect you Mister Tenth,” smiled the girl. The mountainside reappeared on the screen and Desk prepared himself for another long wait.

Writer's block, RPG fun, and the first definitive test of whether a person is good or evil!

You may have noticed that after devoting an entire post to the topic of my current writing project, 'This Dark World', I haven't mentioned my novel idea for a while. The reason for this is that I am suffering the dreaded writer's block. Everytime I try to sit down and devote some time to my creative endevour I seem to hit a mental brick wall. All inspiration and motivation drains out of my mind, leaving me an ineffective husk of a man. That might be a slight exaggeration, but you get the picture.

However, I think I've discovered the root of my writing issues. After reworking the fantasy concept of my story, I went through my draft and cut out everything that definitely wasn't useful anymore, leaving the parts that could possibly be cannibalised into the new form of my story. I don't think I went far enough in my purging actions. I'm getting caught up in reworking my old draft and combining it with my latest work, and making no progress. I am therefore turning a new page and starting over. I'm keeping my first six chapters because these aren't causing me any problems, but the rest are gone.I have kept hold of all my old drafts, but only as a reference of my progress. I'll let you know how my fresh start goes, but I think it's safe to assume I won't be finished by Christmas!

As a result of my writer's block, I've been doing a fair bit of gaming recently; role-playing games in particular have been my source of solace. I finally completed the main story quest of Fallout 3 the other day, after getting bored with the myriad side missions. There were some really interesting twists and turns in the narrative, getting you caught up in some awesome battles and interesting puzzles before the end. I'm playing through the Operation: Anchorage DLC now, which focuses on the FPS aspects of the game, offering the player a high-paced, guns-blazing version of the Fallout 3's action.

I also, to my shame, recently downloaded a ten-day trial of World of Warcraft. In my defence, I wanted to give the game an objective look, rather than dismissing it out of hand, and I have to admit; it's actually quite fun. I found it very easy to pick up as a beginner, although the demo did limit me to the basic quests, which all boil down to the same process - run to an area, kill a certain amount of enemies and loot their corpses, then return to the quest-giver. However, the landscape of the game is pretty in a cartoonish way, but also very involving and deep, allowing you to get lost in the world. The character customisation options are also extensive, allowing players to craft an unique avatar with specific skills and traits. It's fun to be playing alongside other human players as well, although I can see how the game can be a time-drain if you commit to questing with other people. I don't think I can justify getting into a game that requires me to pay subscription fees, and so although I have enjoyed my brief experience of World of Warcraft, it will remain a game that I don't regularly play.

Finally, here is a video that will separate those whose souls are filled with darkness from those who cling to purity and virtue. It shows two kittens who have 'fainting goat syndrome', meaning that they go rigid if they hear a loud noise or are shocked. Watch the clip; if you laugh, you are evil. If you cry, you are good. It's as simple as that. Enjoy!

Assimilated

"Seriously guys, you've gotta sign up,” Will enthused. The young dark-haired student sat with his two companions in the university coffee shop, other groups sitting at the surrounding tables, the warm cosy room filled with conversation and laughter.

“I dunno,” remarked Emma, absentmindedly playing with her long blonde hair. “I've already got profiles on three or four sites and I used them all for about a month before getting bored of it.”

“Absolute.Network is different,” replied Will, sipping his coffee. “You don't have to do anything accept create a profile. The programme assimilates all your information for you.”

“How does that work?” questioned Henry, adjusting his glasses.

“Well it uses your web cam to get your picture – ”

“That's fairly obvious,” interrupted Emma, making Henry chuckle.

“ – but it also scans your surroundings and gathers the information needed to fill out your profile,” Will continued, ignoring her joke. “For example, I was doing some reading for my course last night, and when I checked my profile the programme had added my degree course to my personal info and had made a post about the exact book I was reading.”

Henry frowned.

“That sounds a bit invasive.”

“No, it's cool. There's loads of stuff in the regulations and rules that stops anyone from stealing your identity.”

“Yeah, if you trust that stuff,” retorted his friend.

“You're just too paranoid, Mister 'I change my email account every month',” said Will playfully, flicking a biscuit crumb at Henry, who dramatically pretended to be shot as it hit him, the trio laughing.

“Maybe I'll give it a try,” said Emma thoughtfully.

“Well, don't say I didn't warn you,” Henry said aloofly. “These things will take over your life.”

Entering his bedroom, Will took off his backpack and tossed it onto his unmade bed, sitting down at his desk with a sigh of relief. It felt good to get home. Surprising how three hours of lectures can really take it out of you. Almost like a really day's work. He turned on the monitor of his computer, the screen flickering into life. His Absolute.Network profile was gradually filling up with information, the 'hobbies and interests' area brimming with all the films, books and music he liked. Will smiled. So much easier than doing it all himself.

As he glanced at himself in the mirror something caught his eye. He stared at the reflective surface, confused. He was missing a freckle. He touched his face, his fingers passing over the place where the brown dot once was. Well, where he assumed it once was. Had it always been there? He turned back to the computer, scrutinising the image of his face on his profile page. There it was, just below his left eye. Maybe it was just a bit of dirt or a pimple, he thought, but in the back of his mind he knew it had been there for as long as he could remember.

A knock at the door startled him.

“Hey Will, you there?”

“Yeah, come in.”

The tousled curly-haired head of his house-mate Alex poked around the door.

“We're going out for a curry, you wanna come?”

“Um...yeah, alright,” replied Will, grabbing his jacket and following Alex out of the room, the missing freckle pushed to the dusty recesses of his mind.

Will climbed sluggishly back into bed, pulling the covers tightly around him. He felt terrible, completely drained. His house-mates had all made remarks about his colourless complexion when he had ventured downstairs for a slice of toast, urging him with concern to visit the doctor. He waved their anxiety away, asserting that he'd be fine in a day or two. It had already been three days since the illness had started however, and he couldn't even fool himself into thinking that he felt any better. He sank in and out of sleep, all the while his computer humming away in the background, a soothing electronic buzz.

He awoke, his bedroom shrouded in darkness, a shaft of streetlight dissecting the black space from between the parted curtains. An uncomfortable itching sensation covered his entire body, running from his head to his toes, like a thousand ants prickling his flesh. In the dimness he forced himself into a sitting position. He felt so weak. So tired. His head ached, his eyes dry and irritated. He scratched at his arms, the itch burning his skin. Something wasn't right. His skin felt...different, taut and cold. He laboriously swung his legs out of the bed and stood up, inspecting his body in the mirror.

The breath left his body as he caught sight of himself. His skin was completely featureless. No hair, no freckles, not a wrinkle or crease in sight, his body like a grotesque porcelain doll. A cry of fear escaped him as he saw his face. It looked like it had been sanded down to an almost faultless sphere, his nose reduced to a small lump, his mouth a smooth line, his eyes sinking into their sockets. His breath was shallow and fast, as if his lungs were being slowly crushed within him.

Then he saw the computer screen. Glowing in the black, it displayed his Absolute.Network profile picture. Not just a good match or a high-resolution digital copy, the image was perfect. His hair, his face, his imperfections and freckles; everything that was missing from his current mutated form. It was him.

Panic rushing over him, he stumbled towards the computer. He had to shut it down. He fell to his knees, his strength waning, head swimming, vision blurring. He reached out his hand, inching closer and closer, his finger brushing against the power button. Darkness enveloped him, wrapping him in unconsciousness. His body fell limply to the ground, motionless on the carpeted floor.

Emma and Henry sat in the coffee shop, mugs in front of them, a third mug in front of the empty place at the circular table. Henry checked his watch.

“He's never this late,” he remarked.

“You'd think he'd have told us if he wasn't coming,” Emma said, taking out her phone. She placed it against her ear, listening for a few seconds, then removing it. “No answer. I'll see if he's sent me anything on my profile.” She tapped the screen of her touch-phone, cycling through the menus and gadgets. “Nothing. I'll send him a message, he's always online.”

The End

Stop shooting me, please!

I've started playing Quake Live recently, which has been a mixed experience. While the game itself is awesome for a free-downloadable-online-multiplayer-FPS (what a mouthful!), I have come to the conclusion that I am definitely not awesome at playing it. Having played Doom, Quake and Quake II on the PC, I'm not completely unfamiliar with using keyboard controls, but I'm having some trouble adjusting, especially when trying to use a mouse pad instead of an actual mouse to aim. But only a bad sportsman blames his tools. I guess it will just take some practice. One day I'll reach the heights of second-to-last place!

One of my uni mates who graduated in the summer is being productive with the abundant free-time that unemployment provides and has written and published some game reviews on TheGamersHub. Have a look, see what you think.

Tom's review of Mass Effect - PC

Tom's review of Fallout 3: GOTY edition - Xbox 360

Tom's review of Warhammer 40,000: Dawn of War II - PC

Tom's review of Dragon Age: Origins - Xbox 360

Not all heroes wear capes

Things have been pretty hectic as of late. What with a dissertation to write, a wedding and a stag do to attend, and my fiancé's birthday to plan and buy presents for, November has been a busy month.

On Saturday the 14th, I had a massive of shock to the system in the form of my hard drive unexpectedly and unexplainably dying. Had I backed up my files? Of course not, it's a Macbook. They're invincible! Well, I've learnt the hard way that this is very much not true.

I took my laptop to the Apple shop in Southampton the following Monday, expecting them to press a few buttons and pronounce it cured. No such luck. The guy in the shop said they would replace the broken hard drive and fix the slight damage to my keyboard (the result of a design flaw in the magnets used to close the screen), but it would cost me £120 for the new hard drive. I didn't really have much of a choice, I couldn't go without a computer.

The guys in the shop were really understanding and got the job done within the afternoon because Lauren and I had to get back to Portsmouth. When I arrived back in the shop at 4.30 to collect my laptop they even let me keep the old hard drive so I could try to retrieve the files (they don't provide that service).

And here's the point where the day brightened up considerably. It turns out my laptop was still within it's warranty, so I didn't have to pay after all! So although I may have lost my pictures, music, and most importantly, my uni work (I have paper copies of a lot of it though), I got a new 120g hard drive to replace my old 80g one, an updated operating system, and a spotless new keyboard. Bless Apple and their customer support!

My housemate's dad is going to give my old hard drive to a friend of his who managed to retrieve his files when the same thing happened to him, so hopefully I won't have lost it all. Otherwise I'll 40 pages of dissertation to rewrite over Christmas.

Because she felt sorry for me, Lauren bought me a new Wii game to cheer me up, Medal of Honour: Heroes 2. I had wanted it for ages because it got really good reviews but I never could find it in any game shops, probably because it was quite popular when it came out. It's a pretty standard war first-person shooter in terms of story, gameplay and graphics, but the Wii motion controls have been used really well to make the game fun and innovative. There are some nice touches, like tossing grenades with the wiimote and realistic hand positions when using weapons like mounted machine guns and RPGs. However, I'm very tempted to get Call of Duty: Modern Warfare: Reflex as I don't have an Xbox 360 or PS3 to play the original on, and it got a good review on Gamespot. Maybe when the price comes down I'll give it some thought.

Mistabishi - Drop - Review

Music by Jamie Pullen, produced by Jamie Pullen and published by Hospital Records.

When you were standing in the office, staring blankly at the sheets of A4 paper relentlessly dropping into the tray, did you feel musically inspired? Mistabishi did, and he didn’t stop there, producing probably one of the best drum and bass albums this year.

Making his debut on Hospital Records in the later part of 2007 with the piano-led rave ‘No Matter What’, Mistabishi quickly gained critical acclaim, in particular from radio one’s Zane Lowe, Jo Whiley and Annie Mac. Now returning with his first studio album, the drum and bass innovator has generated a rising band of followers and has been nominated for the ‘Best Newcomer Award’ at the Drum & Bass Arena Awards 2009.

I first discovered Mistabishi the same way most casual drum and bass enthusiasts would have done; through the radio one promotion of his tune ‘Printer Jam’. A wonderfully inventive piece of music employing the whirrings and chirps of an ancient printer, the story goes that the song was created when the artist knew he was facing job loss and wanted to make use of his last few days in the office. Therefore he took his recording equipment in and sampled the sounds for his music, using the sonic by-product of the machinery to produce a pounding drum and bass anthem.

Of course with a song like ‘Printer Jam’ there is the danger that people will either dismiss it as a gimmick, or be disappointed when the other Mistabishi tracks do not have exactly the same ethos and feel. The ‘true’ drum and bass fans would mock the mainstream interest as a fad and Mistabishi would remain a favourite only to a select few. But this would only be a danger if the rest of Mistabishi’s tracks did not deliver the same level of ingenuity and passion, which happily is not the case.

Although pigeonholed as a drum and bass artist, Mistabishi demonstrates that he is not bound by genre with the vast array of styles and influences found on Drop. There certainly is a powerful drum and bass presence throughout the album, but even within that aspect there are differing facets. The grimy and gritty tones and beats of tracks like ‘Printer Jam’ and ‘Damage’ are contrasted by the ethereal synths and chilled feel of ‘Heaven’s Sake’ and ‘The View From Nowhere’. Breaking from the drum and bass mould Mistabishi dabbles in dub-step with relentless grinding of ‘White Collar Grime’ and ‘Wipe Your Tears’, the latter of which features a clever windscreen wiper sample. The use of trance-style piano riffs pummelling over the rhythms of ‘No Matter What’ demonstrates that even with his first hit track, Mistabishi is not content to churn out the expected, throwing off conformity from any aspect of his music.

Mistabishi has been described as the ‘Tyler Durden’ of drum and bass, a description that Drop supports very well. Although there are relaxed, ambient areas of the music, the album is laced with an unnerving edge, the feeling of violence and feral energy beneath the surface, which sometimes breaks through. In the same way that Fight Club’s protagonist eschews the mainstream material conformity proscribed for society, Mistabishi’s music seems to suggest a search for alternate meanings in a world that has been sold short by the vendors of greed and selfishness. Creativity brought on by the financial collapse is definitely a motivating factor Mistabishi, with Drop as the call to leave your office cubicle and find something that actually matters.

The only thing I don’t particularly like about this album, and it’s only a tiny little flaw, is that it has one of those extensive final tracks, made up mostly of noise in this case. Hidden tracks and silent gaps really annoy me, right from the days when I used to listen to Korn and had to skip the first twelve tracks on their album Follow The Leader to get to the music. On a practical level it wastes space on your hard-drive and MP3 player, which is just frustrating unless you have software to remove the gaps. Not a big deal really, I just would rather it wasn’t there.

Mistabishi’s Drop will not disappoint hardcore drum and bass enthusiasts or those enticed by hearing ‘Printer Jam’ in the mainstream setting either. Full of interesting and varied styles, the album speaks an ethical message on greed and materialism but without preaching or condescending. A unified collection of catchy tunes, Drop will get you on your feet and dancing in no time.

If you like this, then try: Badmarsh&Shri, Bloc Party, Chase & Status, Enter Shikari, Faithless, High Contrast, DJ Hype, Innerpartysystem, Pendulum, The Prodigy.

Visit Mistabishi’s official website

Vote for Mistabishi in the Drum & Bass Arena Awards 2009

"I love his face!"

I had a very interesting day yesterday. My mate's girlfriend was down to visit him from London and I found out that she thinks I'm hilarious, which I have no problem with, just another person to add to my army of fans. But I wasn't so impressed when finding out that the reason for her amusement in my presence is that she "loves my face!" Is that an insult shrouded in a compliment I detect? Oh well. I just think it's funny cos my girlfriend hates it when people laugh at me, she tells them off for 'encouraging' me.

Last night some of my friends came over and we spent 2 or 3 hours making music on my macbook. The song we made was horrifically funny, but I think you probably had to be there to enjoy it fully. I've realised though that I spent £130 on Logic Express software (which is really cool), thinking I would use it for my short-lived band, Helvetica Outbreak, and now all I use it for is to make comedy songs. So if anyone wants to record some songs or make some music, please feel free to make use of my expensive and hardly used music software!

Busy, busy, busy

Hey y'all! Sorry I haven't written anything for a little while. Been quite busy at work and with other stuff. Plus my parent's computer is sloooow at doing anything and we don't have wireless boardband, so posting an update generally involves 10 to 15 minutes for windows to load and then another 10 to 15 minutes for the anti-virus software to stop hogging all the memory and allow the internet to be barely useable. Oh well, could be worse. Could be dial-up.

Dial-up internet was amazing! Of course at the time you didn't have anything compare it with, so you were just happy to have a webpage load, even if it did take an hour. Who can forget the sound of the modem firing up? It was like artoo deetoo having a fit! And then there was the wonderful situation when someone was on the phone and you'd hear them speaking mystically from the back of your computer saying, "yeah... NNNNGHGH yeah, someone's KKKKFGG just turned the flippin' GFHHHJH internet on." Those were the days.

Anyway, steering frantically back on course, here's some stuff I've been up to instead of writing my blog. On Thursday I went back down to Portsmouth for the day to give my student house a final clean before leaving my keys. I severely underestimated how long it would take us. We were there for about 6 hours in total, but we left it spotless. The 'we' I am refering to here is my girlfriend Lauren (we're actually engaged but I always call her my girlfriend, might get in trouble for that), her grandma and myself. Now I know what you're thinking; how could I press-gang a poor elderly woman in cleaning my house? Firstly, she's fairly young and secondly, she offered to help, so... The job would have taken twice as long if she hadn't come, she is a master at cleaning, bless her. Anyway, the job is done now and I'm glad of it.

Yesterday, which was Saturday, I had a band practice with some guys from my church and my job at a certain frozen foods supermarket to take up my time. I decided to organise some music events over the summer with the help of Lauren, because there are a few people who can play well at my church, it's just a case of getting us organised. The practice went really well, considering we only played for an hour and a half, and for the first time in 3 or 4 months! Work wasn't too bad, I do the home delivery driving when they need me to, which gets me out of the shop and into the ghettos! It's not all bad though, I can listen to the tennis in the van, so every cloud...

To finish, just a small mention of the recent passing of Michael Jackson. I'll be brief because I don't have anything too valuable to add what others have already said. I hope his family can find peace at this difficult time and that we will remember him for the music and not the controversy. I wasn't the biggest fan but I still respect him as one of the greatest musicians and performers of our time.