The prodigal son returns

Humblest apologies for my couple of months radio silence. I know it's not a good excuse, and it's the one I always give, but I have been very busy. But then again, I think getting married, going on honeymoon and moving into a new flat are all things that can quite justifiably take up a person's focus. Also having no access to the internet has hampered my ability to update.

That's enough with the excuses, let's get on with things! So, I got married on the 24th of July, which was pretty awesome. The week before the wedding was hectic, what with the culmination of all the planning (my mum had written two notebooks of 'things to do' before the day) and also having my graduation two days before the 'big day'. On the morning of the wedding, I have to admit I was very stressed. But about ten minutes before the ceremony was set to begin, I thought, oh well, if anything goes wrong now, it's out of my hands. And apart from the bumper falling of our wedding car and the T-Rex song 'Get It On' being played loudly outside the church during the vows (Lauren was nearly wetting herself), the day was perfect. The ceremony went smoothly, the reception at Grittleton was great, especially the food, and everyone enjoyed themselves. Couldn't have asked for a better day. Oh yeah, and Lauren looked beautiful.

Then we were off to Rome for our honeymoon, which was also a fantastic experience. The weather was sweltering, but not too hot to enjoy the sights, and the food was amazing. It was really cool to see all the historic attractions, such as the Colosseum and the Pantheon, but I would definitely recommend getting out of the city to places like Ostia, where you can see amazing ruins without the crowds pressing in around you. And I have to repeat, the food was AMAZING! Pasta, pizza, gelato, tiramisu - all authentic and all mouthwateringly good. There were only a couple of negative points, such as our moody driver at the airport and the high prices for refreshments and entrance to attractions, but overall it was a brilliant holiday and a very memorable honeymoon.

Once back from the holiday, Lauren and I got on with moving into our new flat, sorting out our television, internet and phone, and generally settling into normal life. Now we've been in the flat for a month or so, it's starting to really feel like home. I'll be updating you soon on my progress with the novel writing, and also on the films I've seen over the summer.

My Current Preoccupation

So I realised the other day, I haven't updated y'all on my latest creative project. No, it's not the rebirth of Helvetica Outbreak, Britain's premier d'n'b/metal act, sorry to disappoint.

I had planned for quite a while that when I finished uni I would use my spare time (before I get a proper job) to get a head-start on writing a novel. I was going to adapt my science fiction/noir screenplay for this purpose, but I figured that I've spend almost a year working on that narrative and it needs some time to ferment.

Whilst I was pondering what to use as my subject matter, an article in Christian Marketplace, an industry magazine for booksellers and buyers, was brought to my attention. The article was about the lack of fantasy fiction aimed at Christian teenagers, and how there's no viable Christian alternative to the popular specular fantasy sagas like Harry Potter, Twilight and the His Dark Materials books.

As soon as I read this I had the 'lightbulb flicking on above head' moment of realisation; this is what I could write. I started working on my idea and began writing a couple of weeks ago when I got home from uni. So far I have written 17,500 words, with my target being roughly 80,000 words, depending on how the narrative evolves.

I won't give away too much of the story, as I want to plug the gap in the market before anyone else does, and don't want any idea thieving going on! But I will say that the novel is about a Christian teenager who discovers he has the ability to cross over into the spiritual realm, where he is given the task of defeating the demons which manipulate people to sin the physical world. It's pretty dark stuff, but I figure that's what kids like these days. The protagonist also has to deal with the everyday pressures of being a Christian teenager, but I'm trying to avoid being 'preachy' and just sticking to basic helpful life-lessons, as well as encouraging the reader to develop their relationship with God.

There you have it. Like I said earlier, I hope to be approaching publishers by the end of the summer. We'll have to wait and see if I have any success, but I do really feel that this is something God has placed on my heart and that it is a way I can use my gifts to serve Him and bless others.

On another completely unrelated note, I can't wait to see Inception! It looks like it's going to be amazing. When you consider Christopher Nolan's track record, you can't really expect him to go wrong now. I've watched The Dark Knight over and over and every time I find some new aspect of it I didn't see before. Anyway, I think it's safe to say that Inception is gonna be my film of the summer, if not the year.

Also, on the topic of films, I started watching Princess Mononoke again the other day, and had forgotten what an incredible anime it is. If you like Studio Ghibli movies and haven't seen it yet, go and get a copy now, it is a breathtaking classic. Don't know if it's my favourite Miyazaki film, cos Spirited Away and Howl's Moving Castle are also brilliant; and then there's My Neighbour Totoro, who could forgot that. Any movie that contains a cat that is also a bus gets a thumbs-up in my book!

Something strange is happening...

I have found myself bizarrely interested in the World Cup as of late, the strangeness of this concept being that for most of my life I have been decidedly anti-football. The reasons for this stance were two-fold. Firstly, I've never been that good at the beautiful game myself, generally relegated to a defensive position where my usual tactic was to rush screaming at the attacking players (it did work sometimes), and secondly, I just couldn't generate the same level of passion for the sport as my friends. While they were obsessing over league tables and their latest season on Championship Manager (vintage 97/98), and would much rather have read a book or immersed myself in Final Fantasy.

I think the turning point came when I started doing the home delivery job at a certain frozen foods specialist (hint: it's not Greenland). Whilst out in the van I would listen to the radio, and quickly became bored by the monotony and repetition of Radio 1. I don't really know why, but I decided to switch over to Radio 5 Live. I've never switched back. I was initially attracted by the book and film reviews during the weekday afternoons, but gradually I began to take an active interest in the sport commentary broadcasted on Saturdays. It was so funny to see my friends faces when I chipped into their conversations with an actual viable comments about Rooney's performance over the weekend, or something of that nature.

When the World Cup came along, I said the same thing to myself as I do every time England play in an international football tournament; I'm not getting sucked in. This time however, the same as all the other times, I did get sucked in, but not in the way I expected. Rather than just following the my national side's ulcer-inducing scramble into the second round, I actually found myself absorbed in the entire tournament, to the point where I've been filling in a little World Cup planner in a magazine my Dad left in the living room. When the inevitable happened and England were knocked out, I didn't lose interest and pin all my hopes on a certain British tennis player, who in my opinion was never going to beat Nadal this year anyway (see, I also have opinions about tennis too!).

I think this World Cup has been particularly intriguing for me, mainly because of the big upsets during the tournament. When former winners such as Germany lose matches to underdogs like Serbia, it makes you sit up and think, who is actually gonna win this thing? All predictions go out of the window, along with shock early-exiting favourites such as France and Italy, leaving the field very much open to anyone. I guess it feels a little bit like the equivalent of me, a fairly unfit and unskilled player, managing to somehow wrong-foot one of my football-fanatic mates and send the ball sailing into the top corner. So maybe I'm enjoying it because I feel I can relate to the underdog spirit of the lower ranked teams that rewrote the record books by beating their bigger national neighbours into the second round and quarter finals. I was gutted when Ghana lost last night, but at least I was actually enjoying watching the game even though I had no national stake in it.

So there you have it. I'm actually enjoying the World Cup! I feel like the universe might implode from the very nature of that concept. I mean, it doesn't even involve lightsabers! My predictions for the remaining matches are as follows:

Germany will beat Argentina, and Spain will beat Paraguay, meaning it will be Germany Vs Spain in the remaining semi-final. The Netherlands will beat Uruguay and Germany will beat Spain, leading to a final between Germany and the Netherlands, in which Germany will win. Basically I want England to have been beaten by the best side! We'll have to wait and see if my predictions are correct. Post yours below and we'll see who gets it right!

'Stagged'

As we turned the corner into the Sainsbury's car-park and I caught a glimpse of a stormtrooper sitting in the passenger sit of my friend's red mini, I knew it was going to be a very interesting day.

Saturday the 19th of June was the date of my stag event, and all I was 'supposed'to know about the day was that we were going somewhere and that there would be a Star Wars/sci-fi fancy dress theme. I say 'supposed' because my brother (one of my best men) had accidentally told me where we were going for the day; Legoland Windsor! I was a little disappointed that I wouldn't have the surprise on the day, but that quickly faded when I remembered; we're going to Legoland!

I had been told that a costume would be arranged for me, and so I stood nervously waiting for it to be revealed, as my friends turned up in their fancy dress. We had a couple of stormtroopers, Darth Vader, Yoda, Darth Maul, Obi Wan Kenobi, the Emperor, a rebel trooper, Buzz Lightyear and a ghost buster! Once everyone was there, my other best man Matt got my costume out; I was to be Princess Leia! My clothing consisted of a white dress (which was surprisingly comfortable) and two Danish pastries taped to the side of my head, meaning that for the whole day my face smelt like a bakery and I couldn't hear a thing!

Once we had all arrived at Legoland my tasks and challenges began. I had a list of items I have to try to obtain throughout the day, such as a used tissue, an AA battery, a piece of cheese and so on. I managed to get seven of the twelve things, which I think wasn't too bad. I also had to undertake some challenges, the biggest one being that I had to recite a poem I had composed during the car journey, containing certain words and phrases chosen by my best men. I have included it below for your literary interest, the prescribed content highlighted.

Lego, will you marry me?

I love Lego, it makes me want to spasm,

I love it so much, I might turn to ectoplasm,

As a young padawan, the blocks I would wield,

Building X-wings and TIE fighters, complete with deflector shields,

When I've got some Lego, I must report,

I feel like Luke, firing down the exhaust port,

I could be anywhere, even Calne Country Festival,

Cos when I've got Lego, I'm feeling best of all,

I'm going to build a Lego house, full of Lego apparel,

A Lego bed, a Lego chair, a basin and towel,

It could be in Crudwell, maybe in Hackney,

But what I need to know is, Lego, will you marry me?

Although I was the most unusually dressed (one mother told me that my costume will probably traumatize her children), I wasn't necessarily the person who got the most attention. Yoda was a favourite throughout the day, with many children wanting their picture taken with him, and a surprising amount of kids wanted to be killed by Darth Vader and the stormtroopers! It was also hilarious listening to people's reactions to our fancy dress, one dad turned to his son and said, "look, space guys!"

After spending the day being humiliated (but all in good nature) and thrown up in the air whenever anyone said the words 'Princess Leia", we all headed back to Calne and regrouped for a curry later on. A few more of my friends joined us for the meal, one turning up as a Darlek. We moved on to a local pub after the meal and watched a band play, before supposedly returning to my house to wind down the night.

When my brother returned to the living room after being absent for a good twenty minutes or so, I knew my final tribulation was upon me. I passively allowed myself to be blindfolded and led down the road to an awaiting car. After we had turned a couple of corners I had lost any sense of my surroundings, completely unaware of where we were heading.

Eventually I was taken out of the car, a stormtrooper helmet placed on top my blindfold to make doubly sure I had no clue of my location. We stood out in the cold on some grass for a while, my friends chuckling as I nervously chatted away to myself. Then we were on the move again, heading down a hill and then along a path, and stopping on some grass again.

Things got a little confusing at this point, as I was placed in a small inflatable boat and slid down a steep slope onto some water. All I could think was, how did we get to the beach so quickly? Once I had been pushed out into the water a little further I was told to take of the blindfold. I removed the mask and was instantly hit by a barrage of lemonade sprayed by my mates on the river bank. I sat in the dingy, soaked to the bone, only slightly recognising my surroundings (I wasn't wearing my glasses at this point) and wondering how on earth they had come up with this idea!

Once back on dry land, I looked around at the buildings and trees, still not quite sure where I was, even with my glasses on! Then I realised that we were in Chippenham, the next town over from mine, down where the river passes by the sports centre. Up until that point I had no idea at all where we were, a very unsettling a experience!

It was then time to head home, where I could finally shower the baked goods off the side of my face and remove the pink fairy tattoo from my forehead (one of the challenges from Legoland; sadly it didn't survive till the next day!).

So that was my stag day; Lego, pastry and watery kidnap experience! I have to say I really enjoyed the whole day. It was nice to face a few embarrassments and challenges but without it ever going too far. Thanks to Joe and Matt L for organising the whole thing, you did a fantastic job, and thanks to Adam, Dan, Ben C, Matt C, Matt H, Alex, Tim R, Chris, Tom, Tim S, Ben T, Mark and my Dad for joining in with an epic day. May the force be with you!

Assimilated

"Seriously guys, you've gotta sign up,” Will enthused. The young dark-haired student sat with his two companions in the university coffee shop, other groups sitting at the surrounding tables, the warm cosy room filled with conversation and laughter.

“I dunno,” remarked Emma, absentmindedly playing with her long blonde hair. “I've already got profiles on three or four sites and I used them all for about a month before getting bored of it.”

“Absolute.Network is different,” replied Will, sipping his coffee. “You don't have to do anything accept create a profile. The programme assimilates all your information for you.”

“How does that work?” questioned Henry, adjusting his glasses.

“Well it uses your web cam to get your picture – ”

“That's fairly obvious,” interrupted Emma, making Henry chuckle.

“ – but it also scans your surroundings and gathers the information needed to fill out your profile,” Will continued, ignoring her joke. “For example, I was doing some reading for my course last night, and when I checked my profile the programme had added my degree course to my personal info and had made a post about the exact book I was reading.”

Henry frowned.

“That sounds a bit invasive.”

“No, it's cool. There's loads of stuff in the regulations and rules that stops anyone from stealing your identity.”

“Yeah, if you trust that stuff,” retorted his friend.

“You're just too paranoid, Mister 'I change my email account every month',” said Will playfully, flicking a biscuit crumb at Henry, who dramatically pretended to be shot as it hit him, the trio laughing.

“Maybe I'll give it a try,” said Emma thoughtfully.

“Well, don't say I didn't warn you,” Henry said aloofly. “These things will take over your life.”

Entering his bedroom, Will took off his backpack and tossed it onto his unmade bed, sitting down at his desk with a sigh of relief. It felt good to get home. Surprising how three hours of lectures can really take it out of you. Almost like a really day's work. He turned on the monitor of his computer, the screen flickering into life. His Absolute.Network profile was gradually filling up with information, the 'hobbies and interests' area brimming with all the films, books and music he liked. Will smiled. So much easier than doing it all himself.

As he glanced at himself in the mirror something caught his eye. He stared at the reflective surface, confused. He was missing a freckle. He touched his face, his fingers passing over the place where the brown dot once was. Well, where he assumed it once was. Had it always been there? He turned back to the computer, scrutinising the image of his face on his profile page. There it was, just below his left eye. Maybe it was just a bit of dirt or a pimple, he thought, but in the back of his mind he knew it had been there for as long as he could remember.

A knock at the door startled him.

“Hey Will, you there?”

“Yeah, come in.”

The tousled curly-haired head of his house-mate Alex poked around the door.

“We're going out for a curry, you wanna come?”

“Um...yeah, alright,” replied Will, grabbing his jacket and following Alex out of the room, the missing freckle pushed to the dusty recesses of his mind.

Will climbed sluggishly back into bed, pulling the covers tightly around him. He felt terrible, completely drained. His house-mates had all made remarks about his colourless complexion when he had ventured downstairs for a slice of toast, urging him with concern to visit the doctor. He waved their anxiety away, asserting that he'd be fine in a day or two. It had already been three days since the illness had started however, and he couldn't even fool himself into thinking that he felt any better. He sank in and out of sleep, all the while his computer humming away in the background, a soothing electronic buzz.

He awoke, his bedroom shrouded in darkness, a shaft of streetlight dissecting the black space from between the parted curtains. An uncomfortable itching sensation covered his entire body, running from his head to his toes, like a thousand ants prickling his flesh. In the dimness he forced himself into a sitting position. He felt so weak. So tired. His head ached, his eyes dry and irritated. He scratched at his arms, the itch burning his skin. Something wasn't right. His skin felt...different, taut and cold. He laboriously swung his legs out of the bed and stood up, inspecting his body in the mirror.

The breath left his body as he caught sight of himself. His skin was completely featureless. No hair, no freckles, not a wrinkle or crease in sight, his body like a grotesque porcelain doll. A cry of fear escaped him as he saw his face. It looked like it had been sanded down to an almost faultless sphere, his nose reduced to a small lump, his mouth a smooth line, his eyes sinking into their sockets. His breath was shallow and fast, as if his lungs were being slowly crushed within him.

Then he saw the computer screen. Glowing in the black, it displayed his Absolute.Network profile picture. Not just a good match or a high-resolution digital copy, the image was perfect. His hair, his face, his imperfections and freckles; everything that was missing from his current mutated form. It was him.

Panic rushing over him, he stumbled towards the computer. He had to shut it down. He fell to his knees, his strength waning, head swimming, vision blurring. He reached out his hand, inching closer and closer, his finger brushing against the power button. Darkness enveloped him, wrapping him in unconsciousness. His body fell limply to the ground, motionless on the carpeted floor.

Emma and Henry sat in the coffee shop, mugs in front of them, a third mug in front of the empty place at the circular table. Henry checked his watch.

“He's never this late,” he remarked.

“You'd think he'd have told us if he wasn't coming,” Emma said, taking out her phone. She placed it against her ear, listening for a few seconds, then removing it. “No answer. I'll see if he's sent me anything on my profile.” She tapped the screen of her touch-phone, cycling through the menus and gadgets. “Nothing. I'll send him a message, he's always online.”

The End